


I know her so well

by Claire07



Series: Songs [4]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-24 03:22:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18160823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire07/pseuds/Claire07
Summary: They spilt up.  But they are brought back together again.From the musical Chess.  The words slightly changed to fit the piece.It was inspired after watching Elaine Paige and Kristen Chenoweth singing this on Sunday night.  If you want a snippet, here is the link.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRRhq6bwG2o





	I know her so well

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Natalie for reading once again. Mwah x
> 
> Please don't scream too much at me.

From the first kiss it all seemed to be doomed.   
Even when they were in France, their closeness was soon to be broken. Wanting desperately to be back together again. They made plans, but they too had fell through, circumstances taring them apart again.

Nothing it so good it lasts eternally.  
Perfect situations must go wrong.  
But this has never yet prevented me,  
Wanting far too much for far too long.

There is one thing in life that I understand. 

That life is short.

Life cannot be lived through other peoples eyes or ideals. 

You have to live your own life, love who you want and be who you want to be.

Just remember that if it goes wrong you acknowledge your mistakes in the matter, learn from them and move forward.   
I’m not saying forget the past, just look forward.

Looking back, I could have played it differently,  
Learned about the woman before I fell,  
But it took time to understand the woman,  
Now at least I know, I know her well.

Serena is regretting making the mistake of her life, going there with Leah.  
Letting the love of her life go because their lives were just not compatible. 

They had tried, they had failed. 

It was also partly Bernie’s fault too.

Her failure to communicate for the three weeks was a mistake, not making time for her partner, the woman that she is supposed to love.   
She did to Serena what she did to Marcus and her children.   
Left them out of the loop.   
They hadn’t been forgotten, far from it, but something else was more important at that particular time.   
Hours became days, days become weeks and now they are here. Bernie about to be getting on a plane back to Nairobi and Serena sitting on her bed wishing for sleep to come, knowing full well that it won’t.

Wasn't it good  
(Oh so good)  
Wasn't it fine  
(Oh so fine)  
Isn't it madness  
She can't be mine.  
But in the end she needs a little bit more than me  
(More security)  
She needs her fantasies and freedom  
I know her so well.

Serena relives the final conversation over and over again.  
How could she not see Bernie taking out the bins in her slippers?   
Pushing Guinevere in the park.   
She could but yet she still wouldn’t hold her back from what she loved doing the most, putting her life on the line for others.   
Yet she couldn’t wait for that phone call either. The one that tells her that Bernie has been injured or worse, died.

The one thing that she can take from their relationship was that when it did work it was good, very good. The best she has ever had.

No one in your life is with you constantly  
No one is completely on your side,  
And though I move my world to be with her,  
Still the gap between us is too much.

Bernie sat at the airport waiting for the boarding port to open. She can spot Serena everywhere in the airport. In the line to get a coffee. Her voice ringing in her ears asking for her coffee to be “strong and hot”.   
Looking at the sunglasses. She closes her eyes and watches as she tries on several pairs, showing them to Bernie, just like she did when they were in France and Bernie sat on her old faithfuls and broke them. 

Yet most of their time, they had spent apart.

The time when she went to Ukraine. The time when Serena left on her sabbatical. The last time when they parted at Charles De Gaul airport. Bernie going to Kenya and Serena heading back home. 

Once again their plans put on hold. 

She said she would take the job in A&E, in the trauma unit there.   
But was it really a good idea?  
Would being with Serena properly, actually be a good idea?  
Could they overcome all that life has thrown at them to finally be together?

Looking back I could have played it differently,  
One or a few more moments who can tell,  
But I was ever so much younger then,  
Now at least I know I know her well.

Bernie looked back even further. Back to when she was at school and then to when she met Marcus for the first time at Uni. Their wedding day, having Cameron and then Charlotte.   
She looked at Alex.  
Wondering what and if, would she have done differently all these times if she had the chance to go back?

Nothing.

Nothing if it had brought her to Serena.  
She was young and naive when she was with Marcus.   
She enjoyed spending time with Alex. Truly thankful for showing her how to be who she wanted to be; but her heart had never yearned for Alex.   
Mind you it never was truly complete when she was with Marcus.  
But it was with Serena, even when they were apart.

Wasn't it good  
(Oh so good)  
Wasn't it fine  
(oh so fine)  
Isn't it madness  
She can't be mine.

Then she remembered the good times, their first kiss. Yes it was born out of tiredness and kindness.   
But she was finally giving into her heart.   
Serena started to breakdown the walls that she had built up.   
The second kiss, the one where she had wanted to do it for weeks was perfect, until she broke Serena’s heart shortly after.   
But in the end she came back for her love. Her true love.   
Could she do that again?  
Go back and fight for her true love.

Didn't I know,  
How it would go from the start If I knew,  
Why am I falling apart.

Suddenly a few miles apart Serena breaks down and cries, so does Bernie. 

Serena leaves her room, heads downstairs, grabs her keys and gets into her car to make way to the airport, she is going to fight for Bernie. Beg her to stay if necessary.

Bernie sits on the cold metal chair, wipes her face. Finally a decision made, she hands her ticket back at the desk saying she can’t leave. That she has to go back home. She rings for a taxi as she walks through the airport, to the main entrance.  
For a minute she contemplates ringing Serena telling her that she is coming home but she decides to just let herself in and surprise her. 

One of her surprises must come up good surely, she thinks.

Serena parks in the drop off zone and rushes in to the departure lounge just as Bernie gets in her taxi, to head home, missing each other by seconds, yards. Serena gets the airport desk pleads with the staff to put out tannoy announcement after announcement but Bernie doesn’t come. She tries ringing but there is no answer, Bernie’s phone either switched off or on airplane mode ready for her flight. 

She was actually in a tunnel on her way home.

The young lady from the desk came unto her with tickets in her hand asking if this was her friend, when Serena nodded with tears streaming down her face she told her that she was going home.   
Serena turned around, and ran back to the car.

Wasn't it good  
Wasn't it fine  
Isn't it madness,  
She can't be mine.  
But in the end she needs a little bit more than me.  
(More security)  
She needs her fantasies and freedom.  
I know her so well.

As she drove home, hopefully to Bernie, this song was being played. Ironically they were both listening to it on the radio in separate cars. The song finished as Bernie got out of the taxi, initially to Albie’s, she asked him to wait; told him that she wanted to pick up a friend. She spots Jason, he tells her that Serena had left an hour ago and she has gone home, he asks if she is staying, if she changed her mind.

Serena is driving just outside of the speed limit, desperately wanting to get home to Bernie. Bernie tries calling her as she too heads into the tunnel.   
It is going straight to answerphone.   
When Serena gets the other side of the tunnel and her phone beeps, a missed call from Bernie, she smiles in hope.

That is the last thing that she remembers as a lorry has smashed into her, going the wrong way down the slip road onto the dual carriageway.

It took time to understand her.  
I know her so well.

*************************************************************************************************

Bernie’s phone was ringing off the hook. 

It was the hospital. 

Ric told her what had happened and that she was needed at the hospital as Serena’s next of kin, he needed her permission to operate or her immediately. Bernie gives her consent and makes her way to the hospital, donning on her running shoes, grateful that she is in jogging bottoms and a jumper, this way is far quicker than waiting for another taxi to arrive.

When she gets there Serena is already in theatre. She watches through the observation pod; Henrik, Ric and Jac are all operating in silence apart from the request of tools and swabs etc.   
Bernie can clearly see the damage done. She advises from where she is standing if they get stuck or if she knows a better way.  
Knowing she cannot go in. She would be thrown out and they needed to concentrate in there.

Liver resected, bowel sutured, spleen removed. Legs fixed, plated and plastered. Wrists and one elbow already in plaster. Sternum wired back together and the tear in the heart repaired.  
Bernie sat at Serena’s bedside and waited for her to come around from the anaesthetic. 

That bloody song is stuck in her head, knowing Serena knew all of the words; she loved musicals and Chess. They had been to see in the west end. After a few hours Bernie cannot handle the silence or beeping monitors any longer so puts switches on her phone and puts on her music, plays Abba in the background. 

Something they regularly listened to in theatre, it was actually Serena’s theatre playlist. 

It starts off with, ’Knowing me, knowing you’ followed by ‘I’ve been waiting for you.’ She starts to stir when ‘take a chance on me’ is playing. Serena tries to hum but is a few beats behind and she is too far out of it to pay much attention.   
Bernie squeezes her hand and moves so she can see with her own eyes that the woman she loves is back with her, is ok and knows that Serena is back for good, that Serena knows that Bernie is too back forever.

“Bernie?” Serena asks, mouth dry from the anaesthetic, Bernie wets her lips with a swab before pressing her lips to Serena’s telling her to sleep, that she will be with her when she wakes.  
Bernie calls Jason, tells him that she was awake and is ok, but has gone back to sleep. To visit when he is ready in the morning, promises that she will stay with her.

Staying with her forever.

Bernie sends an email confirming that she has resigned with immediate effect to the trauma centre in Nairobi; another accepting her post here, but with a delayed start, knowing Hansen would be ok with it. They have survived this long so another few weeks without her wont matter.  
She calls Cam and Charlotte, they head in to bring her some clothes and wash kit, some for Serena too when she is ready to be dressed; Bernie knows that it will be as soon as she can.   
Hating hospital gowns more than her scrubs.

But for now all is ok. Serena survived, their relationship survived because they knew each other so well.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope I am forgiven!


End file.
